First Responders  Wellness Center

​

In 1998, I started as a Chicago police officer.  My first day out of the academy, I was directed to go to the 18th district.  When I arrived, my field training officer stated that we were going to attend a wake of an officer who killed himself from the district.  That year, three other officers from the 18th district killed themselves.  I was told by officers at the 18th district, that all of the officers who killed themselves had ‘personal problems’.  I wondered what type of personal problems they had.  

​

The following year, I remember waiting in roll call for my partner and being told with everyone else in roll call that my partner was dead, and I would be working 99 (by myself).   I remember wanting to burst into tears but did not.  However, after roll call, I cried in the women’s locker room and then went to my car and worked that night for the first time by myself on midnights.    I was told my partner died of positional asphyxiation as he was so drunk and passed out underneath his steering wheel.  

​

I voluntarily left 18th district to go to Public Housing North to try to make a difference as a police officer despite being subjected to more violence, threats, and crime.  Thereafter, I continued to be exposed to trauma by criminals, accidents, and purposeful behaviors by others including the injustice in the Cook County court system.   Each year I was on CPD, I knew at least one officer that had committed suicide, usually it was more than one a year.  I started to think it was a bit strange that I did not know anyone in my personal life who committed suicide, only from work.   I also started to realize that my police lifestyle was starting to impact my personal life, I was not able to attend holidays with family, I would often sleep a different schedule, I did not want to do things with family or civilians as I felt they were not understanding what I was going through.   They did not understand the “real world”.   Looking back, I think this is when I started to realize my colleagues and I were all having “personal problems” that the officers I knew who had killed themselves.   

​

I went to doctoral school while I was a police officer after one of the ‘old timers’ encouraged me to. He stated, “Kid, you never know what might happen…you should have a backup plan and go to school in case you end up hurt, arrested, or fired”.   I was hopeful that I would have a full 20 some years on the force, but knew I would still be young enough to leave and do another job, so I attended doctoral school for ten years as I did this part-time.   During my time in doctoral school, I noticed more and more of my colleagues started to have marital problems, affairs, alcohol problems, were suicidal, were attacked, were shot at, beat up, and were told that they would not get an upgrade for “battery to PO” because they did not have to go to the hospital despite putting their life on the line. 

​

There have been many incidents that I experienced as a CPD officer such as having to go in and out of the 7th district where the entrance door still had bullet holes in it from an officer who had been killed by an offender in the parking lot; having to hear officers yell 10-1 in the radio and not being able to get the squad to go fast enough to see if my co-worker was alive; being shot at and feeling a bullet go through my hair; being attacked with a 12 inch butcher knife and feeling happy to be alive; being told that my former sergeant ran into a telephone pole getting which was considered accidental despite feeling that most of us could drive the road he was on blindfolded; seeing a family run over from offenders in a stolen vehicle and having to open the stroller to see if a baby was alive or dead while already knowing one of the kids was dead, trying to talk someone out of committing double homicide on Christmas eve and being told that ‘we will go out in a blaze of glory’ and the list goes on just as it does for every police officer and first responder.

​

I advanced my career into the Crisis Intervention Team unit, became a hostage negotiator, and trained CPD officers to help mentally ill persons in crisis.  Since I was teaching officers about mental health and going to school to get my doctorate, many officers came to me after class and between breaks telling me their own stories of pain.    Usually, an officer would start out by asking a question about a person I know…but then the officer would acknowledge that they were the one suffering.  I continued to hear about officers suffering from trauma and an attendee in one of the CIT classes killed herself one evening during the training.  Afterwards, I tried to console all of the participants in the class, I never considered myself. 

 

After being involved in an OIS, I was sent to EAP and was asked by the therapist what I wanted to talk about.  I was perplexed by this as I thought I would be given some information about what I would be feeling after an OIS.  At the time, CPD allowed three days off and one EAP session before being returned to work.   At this point in my career, I had my doctorate, and had learned what trauma informed care was in therapy.  I also understood how trauma negatively impacts humans.  Every day I saw first responders exposed to more trauma than the average person.  Yet, I did not think it was a big deal just as most first responders don’t think so.   The only time you realize your life is different is when you start talking to a civilian or your family and you see their jaw drop or are told to not share "those type of stories" again.  After my OIS, I went back to work but struggled a bit but worked through it.  However, I thought that not every officer or first responder would recover like I did and was worried about my colleagues who may have or are going through similar incidents.     

​

When I heard of officers struggling, I would tell the officers, as I have been told, to go to EAP.  However, some officers would come back and say they did not have a good experience at EAP and I had no other advise to give them.  I, like many CPD officers were told, that there was nowhere else a Chicago police officers could go for therapy as we could get in trouble if we went to a ‘regular therapist’, get involuntarily committed, or lose our job due to a fitness for duty.   I felt lost when officers would say that they did not want to go to EAP.  I felt there were no other options.   But then an officer called me in crisis and I was sick of losing officers to suicide.  This is the story that changed my life and began my new journey.   

​

I was working ‘operation safe passage’ to help children cross the street and not get shot due to the amount of violence in their neighborhood.   While I was standing in the road crossing children, my phone rang, and I don’t know why but I answered it.   It was an officer who had attended the CIT class I conducted and he stated he has a gun in his lap and wanted to kill himself.  I told him to go to EAP, but he stated he just came from EAP and felt worse.  At that moment, I realized I needed to make a decision, I could continue to help citizens of Chicago or I could help my brothers and sisters who are trying to help the citizens of Chicago.   I knew it was no longer possible for me to continue in my police role. 

​

During this call, I felt clinically that this officer wanted help not to kill himself, otherwise he would not have made an appointment for therapy, attend it, and then even after he felt therapy did not go well, he still called to get more help.  I also knew that if I called any psychologist and said, “I have an officer with a gun” in his lap, they would all tell me to take him to the hospital.  I did not know if I could help this officer, but I knew I could potentially help another if I left the job and became a psychologist for solely first responders. 

​

I decided my calling was no longer as a police officer but as a police and public safety psychologist.  I decided I would try to start a center solely for first responders where they would feel understood, given evidence-based therapy, and where officers could bring their weapon to therapy, and get the best of the best treatment.  So, I left CPD and worked at building up my own first responder clientele.  It was a hard journey and took some time, but this is how the First Responders Wellness Center started.   We now have three locations, many clinicians and continue to persevere.   Thanks to our first responders.